A Mother's Love

I wanted to document a certain situation that happened over the last few weeks so that when I'm having a bad day or things aren't going quite right, I can look back and remember how thankful I am to be a mom and to be able to stay at home while my children are young.

A few weeks ago, I got our weekly church-wide e-mail that lets everyone know everything that is going on at the church.  Daniel also got it and noticed that there was a job opening in the mission department.  It was a job for a missions assistant (secretary for the missions minister).  I am very passionate about missions and have really felt a pull and conviction from the Lord to be involved in missions over the past few months.  The job was for 32 hours a week and it detailed everything you would be doing to help in the missions ministry.  He sent the job inquiry over to me and thought I might be interested in pursuing it.

I decided to give it a shot and sent my resume in to Mark Straznicky, our missions minister.  A few days later I got an e-mail from him telling me he wanted me to come in for an interview.  To be honest, I was surprised.  Yes, I have a degree from A&M but I haven't worked in 4 years.  Anyway, I went in for the interview and it really couldn't have gone any better.  It felt more like a conversation with a friend rather than an interview.  I really got the chance to express my passions for missions and to talk with him about how I came to that conviction and how God had been working in my life and preparing me for something in that field.  I didn't really know what that meant whether it was a mission trip or a job or what but I was ready and willing to accept whatever he decided to bring my way.

Little did I know, that would come in the form of a job offer.  It's hard to remember back now but I feel like I probably was just so overwhelmed with excitement and anticipation that I wanted to immediately say yes but I knew that it would be a decision we would have to make as a family.  And now that I think back on that first interview, I probably should've taken a lot of things as signs that it may not be the right thing for our family.  I say that only because I was trying to get to my first interview and the kids were at Mother's Day Out.  Daniel had planned to pick them up while I was interviewing and take them home until I could get there.  Right as I was about to go into my interview the church called me that Cooper was throwing up.  I knew that a stomach bug had gone around in his class but I was really hoping he wouldn't get it.....fat chance now!  I called Daniel to come early and rushed to his classroom.  As I was consoling him and getting his things together he got sick again.  I was trying to get him into the bathroom and it was just awful....I laugh now thinking about it but I felt so horrible for my poor baby.  It was just a comical situation because here I am getting thrown up on and I'm all dressed up and trying to go in for an interview.

Daniel finally got to the church and I was 5 minutes late for the interview.  We had decided before I went in that Daniel would sit in the parking lot with Cooper while Kyleigh stayed inside at MDO.  I thought the interview wouldn't take more than an hour or so at most and we ended up really hitting it off and talking for over 2 hours!  His assistant came in and interrupted us to tell me that my husband was calling and he needed me because he had a major situation in the parking lot.  I hate laughing about this but it really is a funny situation.  I hurried downstairs and found Kyleigh with one of her wonderful teachers who had stayed late to hang out with her.  I grabbed her and her stuff and we headed out to the car.  There is my son in the back of Daniel's truck stripped down to nothing because he had it coming out of both ends.  I had my keys so Daniel couldn't even get into my car to get anything to clean up.  Sadly, he ended up being a bit sunburned from being outside.  He seemed really cool about everything and just told me that he pooped in Daddy's truck bed.....lol.  After all of that, and a lot of discussion and prayer we decided that I would take the job on a trial basis and I found a great child care option for the kids.

I had everything under control and I felt pretty good about the whole situation, until the night before when Daniel and I decided to both have a little meltdown.  We were sad about a lot of different things but I truly felt like if I didn't at least try I would never know whether or not it would work out.  He agreed and so I went on the next day for the first day at my new job.  Dropping off the kids really was pretty uneventful.  Kyleigh cried a bit but no more than she does sometimes when we drop her off in the nursery on a Sunday morning.  Cooper walked right in no problem.  I went on to work and it was a pretty mellow day because it was the day after a holiday and Mark had a lot going on and not a lot of guidance for me.  I did my best to just wade through everything and tried to get to know everyone I would be working with.  I thought about the kids a lot during the day but I called at lunchtime and the owner answered and put me at ease and told me they were having a great time.  The more the day went on the more I thought about them and by 5:00 I couldn't wait to go pick them up.  I was so excited to see them and after getting them into the car I burst into tears.  I had no idea how much I would miss them.

That night, the emotional roller coaster kept getting worse and worse.  I cried and cried and cried and couldn't imagine leaving them another day.  We talked about everything and after finally calming down I told myself I would give it one more day but I told Daniel if I still felt like this the next evening that I didn't think I could go through with the job.  He was so incredibly supportive through everything but I could tell that he was holding back on a lot of the feelings he felt (and I was right because he later just spilled over telling me all of them....lol).

The next morning I felt a little better but I was emotionally exhausted from the day before.  I got the kids up and off we went.  I pulled in the parking lot of the day care and I couldn't get out of the car.  I burst into tears again and called Daniel.  I just told him that I couldn't do it....I couldn't get out of the car and I couldn't leave my kids another minute.  I was overwhelmed with the feeling that this was not the right decision for my family but at the same time I was wrestling with the feeling of being a "flake" and being a quitter.  I didn't want anyone to look at me like I had wasted everyone's time or money or anything.  After going over to the church, having another meltdown with some of the new co-workers I had gotten to know I went in to tell Mark and I can't say enough how grateful I am that he made me feel so at ease with my decision.  He totally understood where I was coming from, being a dad himself, and told me how thankful he was that I was open and honest about the whole situation.  After going through all of that, I took my babies and went home.  I hugged on them and they probably thought I was crazy.

I called and asked Daniel if he would go by the daycare and tell them the situation and to pick up anything we had there.  He was happy to do it because I just didn't think I could handle anymore that day.  I had no idea and no way of knowing how everyone would react but even the daycare workers were amazing.  They told Daniel how they truly understood where I was coming from and that if I was blessed enough to stay home when my children were little that I should do it and there were absolutely no hard feelings.  They wouldn't even take any money from us from the day before.  I couldn't believe how understanding everyone was and that really just solidified the decision and I felt like that was God's way of telling me this is the right thing to do.  I have had so many bad days lately with Cooper because he is a very strong willed child.  Kyleigh has just entered her terrible 2's and so everything combined has been pretty trying lately.  What I didn't realize is that these hard times were just a part of parenting and God's way of trying to help me learn how to better parent my kids.  I took these times as some kind of sign that I wasn't cut out to be a stay at home mom instead of looking at them as life lessons.  I feel like it was probably just the selfishness in me coming out.

A mother's love is something that is almost impossible to understand much less explain.  I believe through this whole experience I truly learned what it means and I have tried my very best to be thankful for every day that I get to be here at home with my children.  I love them more than words can even express and I would do absolutely anything for them.  I hope someday I can look on this situation as a bleep in life and a learning experience and I hope that everyday from now on I can look back and just remember how thankful and blessed I am to be the mother of my two beautiful precious children.

Mommy loves you so much Cooper and Kyleigh!!!